Healing after the Death of a Father

As I was watching some of our most vibrant teenagers at church doing ministry, I found it odd that the majority of the youth were fatherless.  I’m not talking about deadbeat dads; I’m saying that they had already experienced the death of a father.

I’ve always had a soft spot for those growing up without a father since my own husband’s dad died when my sweetheart was only ten years old. We are grandparents now, but I have seen him secretly hand money to widows with children, and if he hears that a fatherless child has a need, I can see how the loss has affected him.

Are Fathers Relevant in Today’s Society?

Some tout that a father’s job isn’t all that important, and many men have willingly abandoned their role. But, what happens when they’re missing?

According to NoLongerFatherless.org,

• 85% of youths in prison come from fatherless homes
• 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
• Nearly 25 million children live without their biological father
• 60% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes

Interesting Article: The role of a Dad in child Development: Why It Matters

Dealing with the Loss

Fathers help bring identity, security, training, problem-solving skills, and more to their children. Whether a child’s father was a good role model or the worst, the sense of abandonment or being an orphan can overwhelm.

Some children never process the loss. Some adults aren’t prepared or equipped to answer the tough questions or even know how to explain death. 

For believers, it is essential that we allow the Holy Spirit to come in and do His work. He was sent to not just orchestrate miracles but to comfort. As I said, my own husband’s daddy died early. That ten-year-old little boy refused to cry at the funeral, and it would be years before he would finally release the pain of the event that altered his future. I’m not sure if he knew how to be comforted or if his young mind just could not process the tragedy.

Deliverance and Loss

As a minister, I have listened to and have prayed with many who have lost a parent. I’ve also witnessed the power of inner healing and freedom through Jesus Christ.

In my experience, these are the issues that come up most frequently:

1. Without realizing it, children and adults will often get into their heads that they too will die early because their father died. The belief creates a tie with the spirit of death.
   
2. Orphans often feel guilt for their last interactions with their deceased parent. Spiritual issues such as self-rejection, shame, and unnecessarily guilt can be an issue into adulthood and sometimes to the grave.
   
3. Circumstances surrounding not just the loss, but events surrounding the death can be fertile ground for a root of bitterness.
   
4. When mom or others move on and has other relationships, issues with defiance and the spirit of rebellion or anger can arise.
   
5. Often a child will feel guilt for feeling abandoned by their dad. The trauma of sudden loss left unhealed can be cause a spirit of fear manifested in fears of abandonment and loneliness.
   
6. The enemy is an opportunist. Some of the spirits that may need to be addressed as a part of the deliverance/healing process: Abandonment, fear, anger, death, rejection, lying spirit, and heaviness

Ways to Walk out Healing

The following aren’t exclusive ways to receive healing, but have been helpful factors that I have witnessed in almost 20 years of pastoral ministry.

Healing through Processing a death of a father

A few minutes ago, I begrudgingly wrestled two tubs of miscellaneous papers onto the table to finally stop procrastinating and deal with the mounting paperwork. Ignoring it only made it worse. In hindsight, processing all that mess wasn’t so bad. I now know what the bills are and where the receipts are, and I also found two crisp one-hundred dollar bills. It paid off.

I’d have to say the top reasons we do not process death like any avoidable task is because it is overwhelming or we just do not know how to do it. The issues, however, never go away. What needs to be processed only becomes a bigger pile of issues as we put the process into tubs and shove them in the back of our emotional closets.

As in my paperwork processing, processing trauma isn’t all that different. A person has to actually look at the issue and then figure out what to do with it. If it’s trash, then toss it. If it’s something that needs to be dealt with, then deal with it. Doing so will produce moments of pain but will likely also produce healing.

Tips to Processing:

1. Stop procrastinating. Make a time and place to address the trauma.
2. If needed, find a counselor, pastor, or someone trustworthy to help.
3. Invite Jesus into the trauma. Allow Him to sort the issues, and point you in the direction of healing. He wants to walk with you.
4. If you cannot talk about the pain, then find someway to get out the feelings that are bottled up in there somewhere. You can write letters, draw, write a poem, do something you used to do with your dad and tell God all about it as you do the task.

Recently, my grandchildren experienced a terrible loss. I consulted with Amber Hackney, LCSW. She told me that the earlier a child can process the better it is. My daughter-in-law did an excellent job doing this even though it was painful. She purchased special pens and paper for the children. She made time to talk with each of them and answer the hard questions. What could have marked them for life with trauma has been detoured. Not only are they healing but they now are learning how to process tough events in life.

Healing through Mentors

My husband has said that when he and I married, he truly gained a father. As a teenager, my dad showed my husband things like how to change oil and how to play a guitar. Even now, I believe that my adult husband is comforted by the role that Pappy plays in his life.

For children, a mother or guardian can look to see who could help father or mentor the child. No one person is likely ever going to totally fill that vacancy. However, there are things that mom’s can do so that the children do not end up as a statistic. It may be as simple as exposing the children to events and places where good men are gathered so that the kids can experience the fatherly role in action.

Healing through Identify and Community

I have a friend whose husband is not involved in the family life at all. What she has done for her child would work for those who have had loss. She is involved in her local church, and she purposely found some older and wiser men who pour love and acceptance into her child. Sometimes, they’ll take her child out for lunch, and they’re always invited to the birthday parties. The key here is to communicate the needs and not assume others know your child’s specific needs.

One of the men in her church will invite the woman and her child for Sunday morning pancakes with the family. When the child arrives, he feeds them, spends time playing for a few moments. It has made an incredible difference. The child is exposed to what a good father is like and she knows she is loved.

There are programs and groups that offer mentoring for youth. I would just pray concerning a good fit!

What if you can’t find a good community? Pray. For children and adults, we are never alone. Our heavenly father is the best and knows what we need. If in need, pray for a mentor or someone to help fulfil the role of a father-type figure.

Healing through Deliverance

When we do deliverance, most of the processes usually include:

• Breaking down lies
• Forgiveness
• Repentance

 A good place to start healing is to go through these three things in prayer. Read the Article of What is Deliverance Ministry.

1. Ask God to show any lies that the child or adult has because of the death of their father. Lies could include areas of guilt, fault, or even about their identity. Click here to get a PDF guide to help.
2. Ask God to show where there’s any hidden unforgiveness. Adults and children often feel guilty because they need to forgive their father. Denying the need does not help. If a person feels unforgiveness toward a living or deceased person, it needs to be resolved. Forgiveness Worksheet
3. What would a person have to repent of concerning the death of a father? I don’t know. But it doesn’t hurt to ask God if there’s anything we need to turn away from.  A person may need to repent for responses, sin that happened as a result of the loss, or other things. Ask Him and He will show if there is anything there.

The Truth about Fatherhood

While everything mentioned above is important, we can’t leave out the fact that our heavenly father is the perfect father. He is near the broken and if a hurting person can connect with His goodness and rest in His peace, there is healing, security, and gladness.

Often a person who has lost a father may deal with the enemy’s accusations against God that he “took” their father. He did not. We live in a fallen world and death happens. Can He stop it? He can. Will  He? Yes. Does He? Not every time. Why? I don’t know. Each circumstance is different and there’s no cookie cutter answer.

Truth about dying early after the death of a father

Just because a father passes does not mean it was God’s plan for him to die. People often believe God gets His will.

The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance. NKJV 2 Peter 3:9

Be not overly wicked, neither be a fool. Why should you die before your time? ESV Ecclesiastes 7:17

Pointing a finger at God for loss only delays healing and is unfair because it is not true. There’s so many factors that go into life and death. But, I will say this, He is father to the fatherless, and protector of widows. Psalm 68:5.