I’m beginning to realize that being healed after being broken for so many years is a bit like weight loss. To describe what healing is like, I want to first share an analogy of someone who had around 150 pounds of extra weight. She bought plus-sized jeans to fit, and they fit perfectly.
One day, she decided she was tired of carrying around all this extra weight. She saw other people losing the pounds, and how they were able to move around more freely. Their success gave her hope. She thought, “If they can lose it, surely I can at least try!” So, she started.
Some of the extra pounds started to shed slowly, almost imperceptibly at first. Five pounds one month…two months later, she lost five more. She was losing the extra weight, but it was at a slow pace.
Breakthrough
One day, someone showed her how to shed that extra weight in a matter of a few weeks. The weight came off at an astounding speed. She kept buying new pairs of jeans, but was losing weight so quickly that by the time she found a pair that fit right, it was time to downsize again!
One day, she woke up and realized, all 150 pounds of extra weight were gone!. Completely gone. She knew she should be happy. In many ways, she was, but she looked at herself in the mirror wondering, “Who is this stranger?”
What plagued her joy of victory was the yearning for her favorite old pair of jeans. Although they no longer fit, those jeans were like her comfort blanket. She smiled when she thought about how she’d found them one day while browsing clearance sections at a high-dollar store. She got those beauties for a steal of a deal. They fit her like they were custom-made for her. She felt beautiful in them, even with the extra weight. They hid the extra pounds well, and in some odd way, they made her feel safe.
Hiding the weight always felt safe.
Adjusting to the weight loss
With the 150 pounds of extra weight gone, she sighed as she held her plus-sized favorite denim in her hands. She folded them up and gently put them under her stack of new, well-fitting jeans. She just couldn’t bring herself to discard the old comfort, yet. Holding the jeans was a tangible connection to her past…something familiar and “normal.”
Every time she grabbed a new pair of jeans, they looked weird to her. They weren’t familiar. She put them on, and there was no denying they fit amazingly, and she felt wonderful without all the extra weight. But then, she’d cast a longing look at her old favorite pair and felt silly that she missed them and the feelings of safety they used to bring.
Days passed, and she gradually acclimated to her new normal, her new self. She pulled one of her new jeans out of the drawer and found them to be her new favorite pair.
One day, she paused as she caught sight of her old pair of jeans, she slowly pulled them up and out of the hiding place. She sat down, wrapped in remembrance.
Remembering the right things
She remembered her last doctor’s visit before her transformation, the one where her doctor had soberly looked her in the eye and told her, “You need to lose some weight, or it will slowly kill you.”
She remembered how she longed to run marathons with her friends but was hampered by all the extra weight. She remembered the mornings when the tears would fall because she felt tired just thinking about waking up and walking around. Her arms and legs always felt so heavy.
With the mourning of her former coping clothing, she’d nearly forgotten how miserable she’d been, how many times she longed to lose the extra weight, and how her heart had leaped with joy to see those first few pounds come off.
As she remembered, she held the old pair of jeans up to her waist. It gaped several inches too wide for her now. She smiled, folded the jeans up, gave it a pat, and stood up. She carried them to the trash can and plopped them in without a second thought.
She knew now- those old jeans weren’t worth hanging onto. She recognized the feeling of safety they’d brought her was just that- a feeling. A semblance. When once they’d served her well, she realized she no longer needed to hold onto her old “comfort blanket.” She had a new pair of jeans that fit her wonderfully, she had new hobbies she loved to throw herself into. She didn’t need the old. The old no longer fit her. She was ready to move on.
What healing is like compared to jeans
I know. It’s a weird comparison. No, I am not overweight and never was. But somehow, that picture of an old pair of jeans swathed around my waist with inches of a gap came to mind.
The Lord has done some mass healing in my life recently that happened so quickly, that I find it hard to keep up with what He is doing sometimes. Broken piece after broken piece was healed by His love and truth.
After the last broken part was healed, my nervous system went into shock, and I found myself at times wishing I was still broken because it felt familiar. This new feeling of healing was something I’d never experienced before, and I felt extremely vulnerable and weak. I found myself longing for the broken pieces, longing to be able to use my old coping mechanisms for dealing with feelings. The problem was, I couldn’t anymore. I knew what “going dead” felt like, and I was no longer able to do that. It wasn’t worth it.
The Denim Analogy
Extra weight in our physical bodies can take the health, yes. What we don’t often face is that extra weight in the spiritual and emotional realm can drag us down. It can even affect our physical bodies.
Hebrews 12:1-2 says, “Let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely and let us run the endurance the race that is set before us.” (ESV)
In another version, it says, “Let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us.” AMPC
Trauma, stuffed down because we don’t want to feel or remember or face it, can become like a wound left unattended. It slowly becomes infected and can have hidden offshoots from it- Unforgiveness and bitterness keep us tied to the traumatic memory and in a cage of bondage to pain. Without forgiveness, there is no healing.
As the wound fester and the pus begins to grow, it becomes a heavier and heavier weight to carry. It takes very little for the infected wound to hurt and the infection to spew. People accidentally touch it, and poof! There goes the abscess. You have to put more and more band-aids on top to keep the emission from showing.
Post Trauma Coping Mechanisms
It can be easy to want to keep going back to the familiar coping mechanisms when God wants to heal us. Like that old pair of jeans, they make us feel safe when we’ve gotten used to them. And in all honesty, they DID help survive. But as I’m learning, we are faced with a choice when the Lord puts His hand on the trauma and pain and says, “Let me heal that for you.”
We can say, “No thank you, I’d like to keep that extra weight on, cuz i dont want to let go of the old pair of jeans.” Or, we can choose to take that leap of faith, take a deep breath, and say, “Okay, Lord. I’m walking in unfamiliar territory here, but I am choosing to trust You with this wound”.
Does it feel safe to take that step of faith? No, not always. Does it feel good when He disinfects the wound? No. It hurts. Does it feel nice to face the memories? No, not a bit. It is agonizing.
Healing can be messy, hurt like crazy, and feel like you are walking off a cliff with your eyes wide open while you hope you land somewhere safely.
Worth It
But, as I am learning, it is worth it. It’s been so worth it. I’d do it all over again.
My “old pair of jeans” is gone now, and I don’t wish to have them back. However, I am also learning it is a growing process, and I’m often faced with a choice when situations come up that can make me feel overwhelmed or scared.
I’m still learning to choose to let the Lord be my protector instead of feeling like I need to protect myself.
I’m learning to stop living under the identity of “broken” and under the identity of the One Who gave me life. He has made me whole.
The Voice of Correction & Healing
I didn’t know that the Lord is gentle before I began to be healed. I thought He was the judge who came down on me and corrected with an iron fist. I have learned that in any situation, He is kind.
He gave me the gentlest of rebukes the other day. He said, “Mandy, I have set you free. So stop living like you’re broken.”
I gulped. That firm but loving piece of instruction smacked me right between the eyes!
I’m not only healed, but I’m learning to walk in my healing. I’m learning to see myself through His eyes and adjusting to what it means to walk out the life I always wanted but did not think was attainable.
I’m learning to walk in wholeness, and if I can encourage anyone else out there to keep seeking the Lord and allow Him to heal every wound, it would be a delight to me.
Do you have an old pair of “jeans” you don’t want to let go of, even if God can provide a better pair? If He asks for them, consider giving them to Him quickly. It will surely be worth it!
