Twenty years ago, I started serving in deliverance and inner healing ministry. Like anyone new to the effort, I made mistakes. I vividly recall apologizing to the Lord for the hundredth time regarding a specific mistake I had made the day before. The Lord confronted me by saying very clearly, “Give me the whip, Kay!”
I said, “What whip, Lord?”
He said, “The one you have been beating yourself with since yesterday. I forgave you the first time you asked, but every other request for forgiveness you have brought to me is because you have not forgiven yourself.”
Words that changed my life
He had my full attention as he continued. “You think you can atone for your sins by punishing yourself, but this is an offense to me. My son died on the cross to pay the full price. You cannot atone for yourself. When you hurt yourself, you are hurting me.”
Those words changed my life. I gave the Lord the whip in the spirit and shared the story with others that I ministered to that day. To my surprise, others had a whip to surrender as well. Before Jesus was crucified, he was whipped with an object called a scorpion. It was a whip of leather straps embedded with metal (Matthew 27:26) which tore chunks of flesh with each strike. The Lord reminded me that he had already suffered and paid that price for me.
Self-Hatred
Interestingly, in Revelation 9:5-6, the Scripture says that their painful torment is like the scorpion’s sting, and during that time people will seek death but will not find it.
Could this be a reference to self-punishment and self-hatred?
From the experience with the whip, I developed an understanding of the demonic entities associated with a stronghold I termed “The Stronghold of Self.” Whenever my heart would lead me to pick up the whip again to beat myself over my mistakes, I would pull out the Stronghold of Self and repent for participating with these demonic forces. After deliverance, I would “walk it out” by not allowing my thoughts and emotions to entertain
Although contending with the demonic and taking my thoughts captive was Biblical, it did not get to the root of the matter, the deeply embedded wounding in my soul.
Aha moments
Twenty years later, the Lord is still peeling back the layers for me and providing more revelation. In January of 2024, I sought recovery from food addiction, in part due to the excruciating self-hatred and depression I was battling. Every time I looked in the mirror, I hated my body and the extra pounds I was carrying.
Within the year I lost sixty pounds, but was surprised to find that old self-hatred and self-condemnation was still operating, deeply embedded as an imprint on my soul. The Lord began to speak to me as I continued to learn and grow in twelve-step recovery.
When I prepared for my fourth-step inventory, I had an “aha” moment. I discovered that self-hatred and self-condemnation are really about self-centeredness, which is the defining attribute of an addict. I realized one of the most important people I would need to make amends to in this process is myself. Taking this matter to the Lord in my morning quiet time, I asked him to show me the root of the problem.
Distorted reflection of the past
I saw a picture of my mother’s face in black, grey, and sepia tones, she was a tired frustrated new mother, angry and scolding me, a brand-new baby. Immediately, I felt compassion for her. But I interpreted the look on her face as hatred toward me. The Lord spoke to my heart, helping me to understand that I saw my mother’s face like a reflection in the mirror. I had internalized this experience as self-hatred.
I asked the Lord, “Is there more to this?”
He explained that every time my mother yelled at me, every time I was abused sexually, physically, or emotionally, with each ritual abuse memory, I interpreted it as evidence that something was deeply wrong with me.
Cloak of shame
Like a cloak, shame had covered the glory of God in me and left me with self-hatred. Over the course of my childhood, I developed a mighty stronghold of self. This self-hatred manifested in addiction, bulimia, self-deprecation, false humility, and self-centered pride.
In the Lord’s incredible mercy, He gave me a solution. He said, “Katie, which mirror do you want to look into for your identity? One mirror has the face of the angry disapproving parent, and the other has my approving smile.” Then, he gave me a scripture, 2 Corinthians 3:18
“We can all draw close to him with the veil removed from our faces. And with no veil we all become like mirrors who brightly reflect the glory of the Lord Jesus. We are being transfigured into his very image as we move from one brighter level of glory to another. And this glorious transfiguration comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” TPT
Healing in the reflection
We can be changed simply by what we set our eyes upon! Today the veil of shame has been lifted. Healing came as I sat in the presence of the Lord and surrendered my wounds. Today I choose to fix my eyes upon Jesus and derive my identity from his approving countenance. I am learning how to love myself through my reflection in Jesus Christ and go from glory to glory by the Spirit of God.
The Lord lift up His [approving] countenance upon you and give you peace (tranquility of heart and life continually). AMPC
This article was shared with permission from Kay Tolman of Revelation Gateway Ministries Kay offers a variety of teachings, courses, and resources for those ministering to the broken and abused.
